“I don’t do them fancy journal things. I talk, you listen. Yeah, go ahead and record it. Yes, now. I said now. You were already…? Whatever. Bloody bards.”
Things had been pretty damn boring for as long as I can remember. At least as far as last week. So, after spending some time hiding aboard ship while the big fancy-pants adventurers stirred up trouble in Scuttlebutt, or whatever it’s called, we got orders to sail to “the Wreck!” Apparently some big damn pirate hideout. Crimson Feet, or something. No, I don’t remember, godsdammnit, it was rum day.
Anywho, it was friggin tedious, chuggin’ through the water an inch at a time, avoiding half-sunk ships in the rain. Then we finally find a place to land. And wouldn’t you know it! They need some muscle! So you can bet I was gonna volunteer. Me and some pirate chick. Some hussy or other. Hussy Javell, that’s it! Yes, of course that’s her name. Look, who’s paying your tab with an obscene amount of reverse-plundered pirate wealth, eh?
So the group splits up, the elf and the new bald guy go one way, and we follow the daft sun-worshiper and his cute sister. I’m totally ready to smash somethin’ at this point, axes ready, but for some reason they didn’t want me charging in. Damn cowards, if you ask me. Moot point, since they were talking so loud that the pirates found us anyway. Finally something to kill! Glorious!
The details are a little fuzzy around this point. I remember there being snake people. They finally let me do things my way, and I charged through the next door. There were two snake ladies just sitting there. Now, I couldn’t just slaughter someone who wasn’t even acting aggressive, so I said, “Would you mind defending yourselves so this would be a little less awkward for me?” Perfectly reasonable, I thought. Then they tried to use magic. I think one of them made herself look nicer, cuz she didn’t seem quite so hideous for a while. The folks outside were apparently getting attacked, and asked me what I could see. I said, “There’s one really nice snake lady in here…and one that still looks pretty ugly.” I think that made the other snake lady mad, since she started getting really testy and bossy. I think she was trying to hire me. Anyway, the situation here was getting a little out of control, so I positioned myself in the doorway to prevent any of the poor fellows outside from getting into this mess. Very noble of me, I think. Then I see the chick with the rainbow wings getting attacked by a snake guy, and I just go ballistic. I charge bravely through the melee, and launch myself off the dock at the guy! I grab him and try to wrestle him into submission…in mid-air. Then the bastard decides to fly up into the air. But I didn’t let go! No sir!
Eventually, we get back to the ground. Apparently his magic wore off, and we slaughtered him. Eventually, we saved some prisoners of the pirates. Some light-skinned dark elf chick and an orc. Pretty shady, if you ask me, but they were as good as their word and helped us kill some pirates! We fought our way to the top of the Wreck, where we reunited with the other group. We found them engaged in battle to the death with a bunch of pirates and demons! Sadly, the demon was pretty much dead by the time I got there, so I entertained myself by taking out one of the ballista operators. Apparently, she didn’t think much of my offers to accept her surrender, and I had to put her down. And killed her, of course. Then I noticed that the main fight had moved downstairs, and the elf chick and some others were battling a big pirate guy and his flunkies. And they were directly beneath me. So, I let out a great war cry and leaped over the rail! I fell several dozen feet and landed, axes first, on the chief pirate! Sadly, it wasn’t enough to take him out, and the bastard got some good hits on me. I was about to finish him off, when the dark elf chick got him in the kidneys, or something. She pricked him, and he just fell over. And she claimed his sword. Bloody wench!
Ah well. It was a glorious battle! You haven’t lived until you’ve had frostbite on your liver.